I am a competitive person

 Perth, 11 Nov 2021

I am feeling better today. Alhamdulillah, after 2-3 weeks it's been overwhelmed and tired. Either in or out of my body. Physically and mentally. But now, I feel more better, I have my energy back. Cause when I got my energy back and make myown full of glass, then I can give more energy to others.

So everything I had in my head lately its about thoughts. I my thoughts sometimes positive, but mostly.. negative. The negative thoughts that I had usually make myself growth and improve, so it can get get the positive result too. 

One thing that I always had in my brain and heart is, I always wanted to be a better than anyone. Doesn't matter they are older than me, they are had lots of experienced than me, they are smarter than me, or whatever more than me. I can't just chill and relax, accept if we are human have different level, who is born first they will know first. But, I am a competitive person. I am eager to be more successful than other people. I have always been ambitious and fiercely competitive. I'm a very competitive person and I was determined not to be beaten. And thats my problem, thats my weaknesses. It could be strength as well tho. But, sometimes this character make myself get pressure and harder. 

Otherwise, there is people appreciate my achievements, and I grateful for it. It's not for make me arrogant, but it's make me more motivated to be better everyday. 

@SoHo Lane

miss being loved

 Perth, 10 October 2021

Feeling not good at the moment. Sore body, mind, and feeling. I think is not about my body, but its about my thought. Absolutely. I'm feeling sad, lonely, exausted, miss all of people around me, miss being loved. I think thats really matters for me right now. I didn't feel being loved from anyone in my life at this moment. I think I'm lonely. And I think I miss being loved.

Note: I don't want to tell long story about this, but, this is my first time to went to Phsychologist. It was really help for me at the moment.

@Banksia Cafe

why i must be productive everyday

 Perth, 10 October 2021

I always finding myself everyday. When I wake up every morning, even on my days off, I can't wake up late. I always "automaticaly" wake up early. Because wake up late makes me feel sore and useless, lazy, and its not what life is for. I always feel that I have to do something productive, every day. Even I am not working, I should do something useful. But I think I have 7 days work, which is when I am not working for someone else, I have to work for myself. To Grow and develop.

So, why I must be productive every day? I don't know. Its just come up from my inner body and mind. Maybe because I living more alive in this life...

Alhamdulillah, after 2-3 weeks I've been through so many bad things in my mind. It's been overwhelmed and tired either inside or outside. Physically and mentally. But now, I feeling better. I have my energy back. Which is really good, because If my energy full of glass, then I can give energy and fill up other people glass.

@Green Bunch Cafe

i got pressure on me

Perth, 1 October 2021

In the middle of confused, thats my feeling right now. I miss home. I give myself high pressure to have done with my little business, my work, and everything that I wanted to be done. I don't know why and I don't know actually where I wanted to go. There is no one who asked me to get done everything faster, or give expectations, or anything like that. Its just me to my self. 

Me and myself seems like fighting inside of my body, mind and feelings. I always wanted to myself to be "useful" person, especially for all the people around me. I think that if I feel empty, it would be hard to fill them. But actually, what all I need is, fill myself first, than anyone. I'm trying. Always trying.

@SoHo Lane

environment.

 Perth, 16 august 2021

Looking aroun my workplace, especially working environment. Yes, peoples. Peoples to work with, its really matter for me. Probably for everyone. They are make you feel like you belong in there or not. They are make you feel like home or hell. No matter what the job is, if that hard, busy or tired, you would stay if the peoples to work with are good. Peoples to work with are important. Peoples to work with is environment. So environment is important.

Glad to feel I am in the right place right now. Leaving another coffeeshop that made me feel unworthy, and stay in SoHo Lane. I got lots people here to learn and grow. Thanks God, Alhamdulillah.

@ SoHo Lane

while break.

healing

 Perth, 13 August 2021

Just a little bit realise when I got 'bad threat' from people who make me insecure. Or I can say, that is not their problem at all. Thats all is in myown side, who have to control my self wisely. Other than that, there is a lot of people still look at my skill and attitude. In SoHo Lane, I got a manager and owner also work mate who appreciate and supportive. I know exactly I'm not good enough, then I have to learn more to be good. And thats all I need is good environment and perfect role model. Hopefully SoHo Lane can bring me to my the best of me, especially on coffee industry. I still keen and keep going to learn more about coffee. Always thirsty everyday. Nobody perfect but, everybody trying to be perfect. Thats human being.

@SoHo Lane, while I'm break on working.

insecurity

 Perth, 9 August 2021

Again and again. This mental issue is never ending. I always thought that I worth enough. Haha but I'm not. Especially for some place that I just work in. Yes, offshoot. I feel like brand new, junior, I don't get used to work in hospitality before, I feel stupid and don't know anything. Just.. feel useless and worthless.

I don't know when I can completely done with this mental issue. I should've learn how to think 'whatever' to anything. Cause I know, everythings outside my hands is never ever can control by me. I just can control my action and reaction. Hmmp, hopefully I can through it.

@Perth Bus, on the way to home.